Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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