I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
