that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
