I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
