then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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