I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nutella sex= disaster
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
