I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
