from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
