JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
