I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
