I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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