How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
