I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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