I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
