So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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