well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
