So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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