But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
