When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
