if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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