Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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