We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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