I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
