he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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