I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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