And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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