i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
foreskin is a definite game changer
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
