I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
