i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Randomize
