1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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