I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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