I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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