Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
