I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
