I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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