listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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