She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
