I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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