I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i drank out of a bidet.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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