awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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