I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he thought i was a dude.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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