shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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