The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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