I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
