sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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