John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
