bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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