I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
