I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
