Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I love having hate sex.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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