Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
