Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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